The Other Side Of the Door
by MessyEater
Summary: Rachel is in love with Santana... Santana loves her just as much. But what if it's not enough?


A/N: _I've never been in love so I don't know what it feels like and I just made up all that's in here. All mistakes are mine. Please don't judge and don't sue if I suck._

…

Rachel slams the door so hard the frames on her bedroom wall literally shake. She tries with everything in her to stop the tears from falling but it was no use. What she is feeling is beyond everything she had ever felt before. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. Heartbreak. Everything is so jumbled up inside her that she isn't even sure whether or not her heart is still beating. She feels so numb that all she can do is to let her emotions control her and she let her body slowly slide on floor with her back on the door, burying her face on her palms as she let go of the sob she's been holding in.

How could something so perfect turned into this horrible feeling?

Perhaps she'd been wrong all along. Perhaps everything everybody had been saying all along was true. She was so blinded by the perfection, by the love that she refused to look deeper into the picture.

How could someone as popular as Santana Lopez would even give her the time of day anyway?

Apparently, she's a loser and she always will be.

She desperately felt like wanting to bury herself into an empty hole and never come out. She feels so helpless and she doesn't even have the strength to make herself stand up and move to the bed. She doesn't even bother picking up her phone that has been buzzing off non-stop since she ran to her room, leaving a stunned Santana with a slap before walking away from her on her front porch.

She looks at her palm and can still feel the sting and the redness from slapping the girl. It somehow dissipates any hope she has that everything that happened is just a bad dream. A nightmare she is so anxious to wake up from. Santana did what she'd been dreading she would do the moment they get into a serious relationship.

Santana cheated on her, and just the thought of her kissing and touching someone else aside from herself is enough to break her heart into a million tiny pieces.

And yet after everything Santana did she couldn't get herself to deny that she was still hopelessly in love with her.

Maybe she's a lost cause. Maybe she'd gone crazy because she couldn't get herself to completely hate Santana for doing what she did. That the love she feels for her isn't any less than before this big old mess and she knows it deep it in her heart.

How pathetic of her to be so irrevocably in love with someone who doesn't even care about her.

There was a soft knock on the other side of her door and she immediately wipes her tears and forces herself not to choke. The last thing she wants is for her dads to see her like she might as well be a zombie.

"Rachel, baby, are you alright?" her dad's concern tone seeps through the door.

Rachel swallows hard, willing her voice to sound as if she hasn't cried for hours. "I'm fine, dad."

"Well, just so you know, Santana's been standing in front of our porch for the past hour." He clears his throat, "She seemed upset and she refuses to talk to either your dad or me."

She tenses up immediately at that and her heart beat doubles up at the knowledge that Santana hasn't left her general vicinity.

"It's fine, dad. Just… just leave her alone." she reassures once more, suddenly finding the energy to stand up from the floor and walk to her window. Sure enough she could see Santana's figure from the front porch, leaning on the post and looking completely dejected.

Rachel couldn't deny the tug in her heart at the sight of Santana in front of her house. She couldn't help but hope that maybe this girl loves her just as much as she had believed and hoped for if she is willing to stand there and wait for her. She wants to go to her so badly. She wants to touch her hand and kiss her and just forget about everything that ever happened but her mind kept telling her not to cave in so easily.

She knows she would have to face her eventually. She would have to talk to her and tell her to go home before either of her Dads gets suspicious. They certainly don't know anything about what Santana had done to upset her. They thought it was just a petty argument and that they would be okay in the morning. Rachel doesn't even bother telling them it was more than petty. The funny thing is she couldn't find it in herself to send her away. There was a selfish part of her, the irrational one that wants so badly for Santana to stay. _To wait for her_. For her to do something. Anything. Maybe throw rocks at her window, or climb in her bedroom.

Tell her that she loves her and that no one else matters.

She glances down at Santana once again and fights the fresh tears from coming, remembering the events that lead up to this horrible mess. How she had walked in on _them_ in the cheerios locker room. How she had kissed that new girl the way she used to kiss _her. _That girl's evil smirk when she pulled away from Santana and saw her watching. How Santana had ran after her when she realized that she was just standing there all along. How she kept on running, pushing through the crowd in the hallway, keeping her tears at bay but failing miserably. How Santana pounded desperately on the window of her car, saying words she couldn't hear from inside as she bawled over the steering wheel. How she uncoordinatedly started her car, watching a dejected Santana watch her speed away from the rearview mirror.

Now she's just standing there in front of her house, waiting. For what, Rachel doesn't really know but she can only guess. Only it isn't that easy. She couldn't find it in herself to face her. Looking at her from afar is something… but facing her? Talking to her and standing close to her again? She doesn't think she can do it without actually crying.

But she has to. She knows Santana is stubborn enough to wait there all evening and freeze to death.

The trek through the stairs is one slow and torturous. As if every step is like a shard of glass painfully stabbing something in her stomach. She reaches the front door and takes a deep breath, hand precariously clutching the doorknob but instead of opening the door she slumps her whole body on the wooden frame and breathes Santana's name.

She hears her move closer to the door.

"Rachel…"

A fresh wave of tears threatens once again as soon as she hears her say her name. She bits her lip hard in an effort to keep herself from crying out.

"Please leave." She whispers brokenly.

"Rachel." Her voice sounds so hoarse and close, as if she was leaning on the doorframe herself.

She struggles and wills herself not to open the door and take Santana in her arms and never let go. She knows she has to be strong. She's tired of hurting. She's tired of always getting her heart broken. She knows once she opens the door she's letting herself be at risk of going through the same miserable feeling again and that's something she doesn't want to happen. She doesn't think she can survive it anymore.

"Just go, Santana." She chokes out. "Please… just leave."

"I can't."

"You're hurting me. I-I can't stand it."

There was silence and for a moment Rachel thought Santana finally left but then she feels more than hears that the other girl shifted and now has her back resting on the door. She sighs and does the same.

"I don't want to hurt you," Santana spoke again, her voice soft but firm. "It hurts me, too, you know. To know that you're in pain, to know that I'm the cause of it… and that I couldn't do anything about it."

Rachel couldn't hold the fresh tears any longer so she gave up trying and let the pain flow as she listens to that voice she would give anything to hear.

"Then why did you do it?" she finds herself asking.

Santana doesn't answer immediately and it feels like eternity before she finally speaks again. Rachel just wanted to know why. She just needed to hear her reason.

"I don't have any excuse for what I did." She murmurs, "It happened and there's nothing I can say or do to take it back. But Rachel… you have to know how I regretted it. How I wished it didn't happen. I should've pushed her away-"

"But you didn't," she cut in. She couldn't hear it anymore. She feels that glass cutting deep again and it was hurting more than ever. "You didn't push her away and you…"

She couldn't even say the word _cheated. _Just saying the word makes her heart squeeze painfully.

"I love you." Santana continues and Rachel feels like her heart actually stops beating at the word. It was the word she's been desperately wanting to hear from her for a long time. "I'm so in love with you I don't think I can survive being without you. I'm so in love with you that I find it hard to breathe when you're not around me. I'm so in love with you I would give up everything I have just so you would stop hurting. "

She buries her face in her palms and cries silently, wanting more than anything for Santana to continue.

There was another minute of silence, but for Rachel it feels like eternity before she hears the other girl sigh from the other side.

"Rachel," she breathes once again, her voice now sounded broken and crestfallen, like she was giving up on something she isn't willing to give up in the first place. "I'm so in love with you that I'm willing to let you go."

And that's where Rachel finally snaps. She lets out everything she's been holding in a fit of sob and cries hard in the front door of her house with the person she loves the most on the other side like she's never cried before.

"I love you, Rachel." Santana says once more, a hint of a strangled whimper coming deep within her throat. "I love you so damn much." She pauses and chokes, making her voice waiver. "But… but I know I'm just going to break your heart. I'm going to break it over and over and you'll hate me eventually, and-and I couldn't take that."

"So I have to do this. I have to let you go. I'm just hurting you and it's killing me inside."

Rachel feels like her heart is being ripped out at her words. As if the pain that seems to settle inside her isn't enough to make her go numb. As if the lump in her throat feels bigger than ever, making it hard to breathe.

She doesn't say anything. She couldn't anyway and she can only let out muffled cries as she waits and listen for Santana's breathing.

It was quiet again for a moment and then she feels Santana starts to move from the doorframe and she knows she's finally getting up. _She's leaving_. She's leaving her without a fight and Rachel knows deep in her heart that she couldn't let her.

She's fast to stand up from the floor, wrenches the doorknob open and calls out for Santana.

"Don't let me go!"

Santana is halfway to her car and she turns as soon as she hears Rachel's agonized voice. She doesn't move. She just stands on her spot as she watches Rachel slowly walks over to her, a sobbing mess but beautiful just the same.

"Don't let me go, Santana." She murmurs once more when she gets close enough to hear her.

The two of them did not make an attempt to move any further. They were standing face to face, just staring at each other as if one wrong gesture would break them. Rachel could see the anguish in Santana's eyes and feels her heart breaking once again at the sight.

"Look what I did to you," Santana whispers quietly, gazing at her with utmost agony, her tears falling freely. "I broke you."

Rachel purses her lips in an attempt to keep herself from bawling once again, looking at Santana straight in the eyes. "No." she answers truthfully, "I broke myself. Everything… It's-it's me all along. I did this to myself."

"You're just saying that." Santana counters wearingly, "I know it's my fault… I've always known that you're too good for me. That I don't deserve you. Here I am proving it."

"Santana," she pleads, moving closer so they were now a few inches apart that Rachel could almost feel Santana's soft, warm breath on her skin. "What you did… what happened, it breaks my heart because I love you. I love you so much that I'd literally go crazy. That loving you is like an addiction, like an unhealthy obsession. And I know I have to stop and get a hold of myself because nothing good would come out of it but-but I just couldn't, and look what happened."

Santana desperately squeezes her eyes shut, "Don't." she whimpers, "I know what you're doing. You're taking the blame because you're too good when you and I both know that this is all on me. Don't you see, Rachel? I'm just going to hurt you. I'm going to hurt you over and over until you'll end up damaged beyond repair."

Rachel swallows the lump in her throat and reaches a tentative hand out to caress Santana's tear-filled cheek. She knows it. She knows she'd have her heart so broken that functioning would be difficult. But she realizes is that if saving her heart means that she'd lose Santana-the one person she'd literally give up everything for-then she's prepared to live a life with a damaged heart than let this girl go.

"I know," she murmurs. "But if it means you'll stay with then it'll be worth it."

"You don't know what you're saying," Santana hisses in protest, backing away a little. "I don't - I can't let myself do that to you, Rachel. I don't want to hurt you… but I know I will, eventually. I can't let that happen. Not again."

Rachel steps forward to her, catching her face firmly in her palms in desperation, "Listen to me, Santana. I love you, okay? I love you and I won't let anything like this break us. You might end up hurting me but I'll make a promise that I'll try my best not to let you. I'll help you. We'll help each other, okay? Okay?"

She leans her forehead on Santana's, cheeks still wet with tears, willing her thoughts to come across her. Wanting the other girl to know that she means everything she said.

Santana squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head anxiously. "Rachel, can't you see what you're doing to me? I am so fucking in love with you that I'm slowly losing myself."

Rachel made an attempt to protest but Santana cut her off, starting again. "I'm scared, okay? I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for you. I'm scared on where this feeling might lead me."

"I'm scared that if I don't stop now I'll end up killing myself at the thought of losing you if I break you again."

"You won't lose me," She insisted once more, pressing herself on Santana. "I'm yours forever. I'm yours."

Santana captures her lips then for a desperate kiss and it was nothing but soft. The kiss was heavy. Needy and feverish. It was nothing compare to the kisses they shared before. As if Rachel's lips is the only thing that keeps her grounded to the earth. Rachel doesn't mind the sudden assault and attempts to deepen her mouth on hers but before she could close her tongue on Santana's, the latina starts to pull away.

"I can't." Santana sniffles, stepping away from her.

Rachel watches, transfixed, as the girl she loves runs away and hops on her car, tires screeching as she sped away in the distance.

…

A/N 2: So I am thinking of writing a sequel for this since it's obviously not finish. Maybe like something that happened after the break up and after high school. I already have the plot in my head as I'm writing this but I guess it depends if this one's even good enough. I kind of have reservations and it might take a while before I did.

I credit these songs for the creation of this fic:

_The Other Side of the Door* Taylor Swift_

_Breathe Again* Sara Bareilles_

_Never Say Never* The Fray_


End file.
